enjoying it

today, i finally cleaned out emma's closet. i mean, her closet is organized but she still had 2t clothes hanging. she's in 4t clothes now. i've been avoiding removing those 2t clothes quite honestly. today, i mustered up enough courage to do it. no tears were shed as i removed some of the cutest little dresses from her closet. but, i did have a lump in my throat.

i remember things. memories i mean. like the little pink and red dress i removed from her closet (my favorite by far). i remember her wearing that dress as we watched my middle school best friend get married at san onofre beach in california. i remember then skipping the wedding reception so the kids and i could go down to the beach and just sit, watching the waves. i remember photographing the kids, the sand in their feet. i remember the smell of the beach that will never leave me. that's the stuff that gets me, those memories and the little trinkets that make me remember.

i said to emma, "this is so hard for me to do," as i formed a pile of baby clothes on the floor of her room. she responded, "i'll help you." and that's all i needed to finish the task.

sometimes, i wish there was a owner's manual to parenting. some manual that would have things like, "how to make it through the days when you realize your baby girl is no longer a baby." or "how to know when you are done having babies." or "how to just enjoy your children and not wish they were tiny again."

i do enjoy those two little children of mine. but some days are harder than others. some days i long for napping with a baby next to me. some days i want nothing more than to watch my children take their first steps once again.

i sat on the floor of emma's room with her right after i took the picture above. a floor that i sat on with a baby eli before emma was even emma. we sang and she pointed to a hexagon. a few minutes past and the lump in my throat was gone and we continued on with our day. and as hard as it might be at times, i'm still enjoying it.