grace

i do have more highs than lows in my everyday life. but a low did in fact come. a low when i felt like a terrible mother. like i was doing everything wrong. like i failed. 

just when those feelings hit their ultimate high, i found myself out in public reading the last few pages of steady days. my heart sank as the words spoke right to me. it was as if those words were written for me. written for me to read at that particular moment. i usually don't carry a book in my purse. i remember tucking the book in my red bag a few days ago before heading to the park. i never ended up opening it. funny, i didn't need the words then, i needed them today. 

"there have been many times when i've needed to apologize for getting angry or making a mistake. their eagerness to show grace often surprises me, as they wrap little arms around me and say, "that's okay, mommy." always present in the moment, they never hold a grudge. i want to live the same way, showing grace toward others and myself."

"i will always have personality weaknesses and other flaws to work on as a professional mother. i will never 'arrive,' motherhood is a journey and i'm on the path, with the freedom to keep growing and changing. with grace in my life, i am able to leave the past behind me and move with expectancy into the future. this is an important lesson i want to model for my children."

it's the showing grace toward myself that i'm working on. the not beating myself up when i fail. 

i came home after reading this and laid on our bed. emma was jumping on me while david and i talked. i cried. and still am really. 

this will pass i'm sure. until then i just hope to continue my steady days.