difference

i've been kind of low on words lately. been thinking a lot. david lost his voice. normally i would need to boost my outgoing words to compensate, but i have nothing. the other night we sat next to each other on our red couch in silence. it was nice. there's something about sitting in a room with someone and feeling completely comfortable not saying a single word.

this morning i am in a funk. i stood in front of the mirror making myself presentable so i could take eli to school. i didn't like what i saw. truth is, i'm not the most confident person in the world. not easy to admit. most of the time i don't like how i look. my hair is extremely long and i desperately need a cut. my eyes are heavy because i haven't been sleeping well. and i found myself putting on bum clothes which i don't often wear. i prefer skirts if you haven't noticed already. there's something about them. they make me feel pretty. the day could be rough and grey, but if i have a skirt on, everything is glorious.

it's a character flaw i have. not being confident. after emma was born and the shock of having a daughter dwindled just a bit, i was sitting by my parents pool in california. my feet were dangling in the water, i sat there and stared at the mountains with emma in my lap. at that moment i realized i needed to change this character flaw. i didn't want my insecurities to be passed onto emma. i want her to grow up believing she's a beauty regardless of what the mirror reflects. regardless of if she's wearing a skirt or not. regardless of what environment she finds herself in.

this character flaw of mine is deep. i've been working on it since that early fall day in california. and perhaps i'll be working on it for a lifetime. the point is that i am aware. that i am working on it and that has made all the difference.