milestones

when eli and emma were babies, i use to marvel at the milestones. sleeping through the night, eating solid foods, crawling, walking. now eli is about to enter kindergarten and is anticipating his first loose tooth. emma sleeps in a big girl bed, no longer wears diapers and prefers me to call her 'my sweetie' rather than 'my baby'. 

i asked myself today, "when did i start dreading milestone?"

the first night emma slept in her new bed, i sat down on the red couch next to david. "you want to know why this is so hard for me?" i said. "because when i did this with eli, i had another baby on the way. i don't have a baby now." he smiled at me and had no words, which was exactly how i wanted him to respond. 

i am very content with my two children. i honestly don't want another baby right now. i just want to stop dreading these new milestones. 

i read THIS post today and my heart sank. it sank because i realized exactly what i need to do. look forward, don't look back. i enjoyed both my children when they were babies, i enjoyed both my children when they (or currently are) were toddlers, i will continue to enjoy them through the years and celebrate the future milestones rather than dread them. i will walk eli to kindergarten every morning the weather allows and i will treasure that 15 minute walk. chances are, we will talk about birds and bugs and he'll stop to pick a flower for me from someone else's yard. i will call emma 'my sweetie' because that's what she wants me to call her, but every now and then, i will slip in a 'my baby.'

it's this balance of being a mother here and now. and that's what i want to be.