discovering my motherhood

when eli was born i was bombarded with motherhood advice. my personality only wants advice if i ask for it. i didn't want to know what others thought about co-sleeping or pacifiers or solid foods or diaper rash or schedules. yet, everywhere i turned, the opinions were thrown at me. it was overwhelming. beyond overwhelming.

i remember the day a discovered my motherhood. not someone else's. not the motherhood a book has to offer. but my motherhood. the motherhood that fit me as a person. i wasn't trying to be someone i wasn't before i had a baby, so why would i try to be a mother that doesn't fit who i am?

my fondest memories as a new mom were my afternoons with eli. he would want to nurse. my sleepy eyes would want to nap. so, the two of us would lay tummy to tummy. he would nurse himself to sleep and i would daydream myself to sleep.

this one particular day was in april 2006. i had just finished cleaning the house because it was on the market. realtors would knock on our door at any given time wanting to show the house. my eager self would allow because i wanted the house sold. i cleaned and then eli and i laid tummy to tummy. i laid there in complete silence, looking through the skylight in our master bedroom. i decided at that moment that i wasn't going to take anymore unwanted mothering advice. i decided i would actually walk away from advice. i decided i would not force a schedule on myself because i now have a child. i decided i would co-sleep out of necessity and not feel like i was doing something wrong. i decided i would nurse eli until i was through with nursing. i decided i would hold eli until my arms were jello. i decided i would give him solid foods when i felt milk wasn't enough. i decided i would throw away the books. i decided.

i decided i would mother according to how i felt.

the two of us slept for an hour or so. i woke up to a knock on the front door. a realtor wanting to show our home. the house sold to the person who walked through the front door that afternoon. a burden lifted off my shoulders. in more ways than one.